I've got a secret!

Day 60

Special thanks to Derrick Tyson for taking this fabulous photo of me!!
So even though I had a minor set back due to my schedule, things have not slowed down. I received a message from CBS news yesterday, and they just wanted to ensure me that they have not forgotten about me and that they are still in talks with the producer about the story and how it will be done. :)

In other news, I believe that something BIG is heading my way. However, I think I'm going to keep you guys on your toes for just a little bit and give myself some time to make sure that this is really coming. Who knows though, maybe if I get 200 views in one day, or at least 50 official followers (which ever comes first) I might just tell you early! :)

I hope you guys don't mind that I am doing this, but I honestly feel like it is for the best.

So, bullying story for the day. In fact, this story takes place...TODAY! I was at work earlier this morning when I mentioned to some co-workers that I was hungry and couldn't wait to get off of work so I could get something to eat. One of my co-workers then responded with, "What are you anorexic or something?" I responded with, "Actually, yes, thanks." He was blown away. There is a lesson in here folks. Please be careful in what you say. Even if you are saying something in a joking way, you might say something offensive and very hurtful. This is not the first time this has happened this week. Earlier, my professor was talking about eating disorders and making fun of people who have them. He said things like, "Who in their right mind would do such a thing?!" Here I am sitting in his class very upset and didn't have the courage to say anything.

In my opinion, having an eating disorder eats you whole. It takes over and you no longer have control of what you are doing. Some days I say to myself that I'm hungry and should eat, but then I realize that it is already 5:00pm and the day is almost over, I'll just eat the next day. So, please watch what you say, you never know a persons story unless, they share it with you.

In other news, I have finally had someone reach out to me after reading my blog. He found me on facebook and we have been talking quite often. Thought I'd give him a quick shout out! :) Anyways, today he had something quite different and drastic happen to him. I won't say what it was because it is not my place, but long story short, I was able to talk to him and tell him how great he handled it. He seemed upset because of how crazy the situation was, and I hope I'm right about this, but I really believe I helped. :)He then said, "Thanks for being here for me." That one sentence, probably made my week. This is what I am here for guys. I am here to help others. I am here to share my story, so people don't feel alone in the world. I have had a couple people tell me now that they love how open and honest I am, and honestly, there is no other way to have this blog. I will answer all questions, and I will be an open book to anyone.

Thanks for reading today's entry!
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<3 Angel

A tough decison

Day 58

Decided to post this pictures so you can all see my hair color. It changes pretty often, but here it is, PLATINUM BLONDE!

So last night my boyfriend and I were hanging out and we got to talking about the Bullied documentary. We then decided that it is probably best for me to turn down the opportunity because with work and school I just don't have the time to sit down myself and film on my own. They were asking me to film on my own and then send it to them because they wanted a more person feel to it. I had all these great ideas about interviewing people such as old teachers and my friend that was the there the day I attempted suicide, but with all the things going on right now, it just doesn't seem doable.

So, at the moment, this is a minor setback, but it is a set back that I believe won't keep me back for a while. :) Gotta stay positive and strong.

Have a great day guys!

Angel

I feel horrible!

Day 57

Not sure what is going on, but I am losing the will to continue. I feel depressed, and just horrible. As I have originally mentioned, my best of best would to achieve fame and to use my fame to end bullying, but I feel like no matter how hard I try, no one listens. How many must die for people to stand up? Not really in the mood for anything at the moment. I'll write again soon.

Polina aka Angel

So tired...must update!

Day 53

Hey guys! Even though I am absolutely exhausted and really want to get some shut eye, I would LOVE to fill you all in on whats been going on. After work today I got a call from MTV and we talked on the phone for almost an hour. We went through all kinds of things that happened to me and their affects that they caused.After this, we talked about the actual documentary. Basically they want this to be as natural as possible. They are choosing people from all over the world to show that bullying occurs all over the world. They asked me to film on my own, my life, explaining my story in any way that I want. Once this is done, I will send it to them, and they will combine it with others and make a whole movie. It's pretty exciting and I'm sure it will be a lot of fun. I am planning on going to my old high school and asking some teachers if I can interview them so they can tell the world about what happened as well. So, hopefully tomorrow the filming begins! I'll write again soon, but for now, I really need to get to bed! So tired!

Journey_to_Fame@yahoo.com
Polina

Ps. I thought I'd insert a picture of my back. It has a tattoo that I am VERY proud of. If you can't read it, it is the serenity prayer. It reads, "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

So much great news!!

Day 52

So many FANTASTIC things have been happening, and it is all because of my readers. So lets begin with Monday night.

As I was driving home from work, I FINALLY got the call from CBS. Even though things aren't very concrete about that yet, things are in the works. They did a small interview type thing over the phone, seemed really interested. They are now talking to the producers of the show, and told me they will call me soon to set up an appointment to film the actual interview!! YAY!!

So here is some possibly even bigger news. I got contacted today by MTV. They are apparently doing a documentary about people that have been bullied and what happened to them because of it. I'm guessing that they saw this entry, and therefore contacted me through twitter because of it.This is kinda big news...but it would of course be bigger if I knew for sure that they will choose me. Only time will tell. I emailed them back, so now I am just waiting for an email back! :)

Wish me luck!!
Here's my contact information.
My email is open to all of you to contact me for any reason.
Please hit the follow button in the top left hand corner.
Journey_to_Fame@yahoo.com
I will help anyone any way that I can. :)
Thanks for reading and please tell your friends, or anyone that might need help!
Twitter: Dance2616 or Journey_to_Fame (I use Dance2616 more)

Here is another story...well it is kinda a story.
So first day of high school, I thought things would be great! It was lunch time and I still hadn't made any friends. I was sitting in the cafeteria (alone in a corner basically) hoping someone would sit next to me. For about 10 minutes I sat there with probably at least 5 chairs around me completely empty. Not a single person sat next to me, nor did they speak to me unless it was to ask if they could take the chair to a different table. This is the day that I started eating in the library. I want people to know, completely avoiding people and pretending that they don't exist because they don't look cool to you, is totally a form a bullying! I honestly can't even count the number of times I have tried putting my two cents into someone's conversation just so I can meet people, and they avoid me until I leave. I don't get it. I promise, I don't smell, I shower, brush my hair and teeth, and in fact am a REALLY nice person. What did I do so wrong to make people dislike me before they met me? So that's my story for today.

A secret I thought I wouldn't share with EVERYONE

Day 49

So I am online at Facebook.com right now talking to a great friend of mine, Gracie. She mentioned to me that she read my last entry and wanted to ensure me that I will always have here there being my friend and I can always count on her. After I thanked her, I asked her to share my blog info with her friends on Facebook. Then, she responded the way I knew she would. Saying, "lol selling yourself out oh polina i love you" Now if you knew Gracie, you knew this response was coming. Gracie is a very outgoing girl. A girl you could always go to for help. She's a bit of a wild child, but that's only because her personality is so great that living a larger way of life is the only way to live. So when she told me this, I began to think about how I have been advertising my blog.

As thoughts rushed through my mind, I realized, even though making it to fame means so much to me, having this blog help someone matters so much more. I really want people to know that they aren't alone. That even if they can't find someone they can talk to in person, at least I am here, will all my contact info, and I will be more than happy to help. If I don't promote my blog, how will they know I'm here? I have been writing for 49 days, and so far not that many people have come up to talk to me that don't already know me. Even though this is the case, I am 100% positive that there are people out there that would come to me, if they did know about me.

Anyways, moving on. If you read the title of this entry, you saw that I am going to be sharing a secret with you today. I originally told myself that I would only tell the people close to me about this, but then I realized, if I want to write this blog...I have to be 100% open. I have to trust the world around me. On November 18, I will be having plastic surgery. Nothing too major, just getting breast implants. Here is the story behind what pushed me over the edge and made me decide I must get this done.

It was either June or July of this year, I can't really remember which one, I think July though. I was at screen on the green at Piedmont park with my friend, her boyfriend, and my boyfriend. We were sitting on a blanket, waiting for the movie to start, just talking and having fun. Next thing I know, Daniel, her boyfriend, said to me, "Hey, I can see your nipple." I was so embarrassed. Truth is, my breasts are so small, and even different sizes, that bras really don't fit right. My bra covered one nipple, just not the other. I knew then that I had to have it fixed. A small part of me was kinda hurt that he brought it up in front of everyone, but the other part of me didn't care too much because he is a close friend. So..that's my secret. Hope you all understand my reasoning behind it. Here are two questions you might be thinking. 1. Is this a self confidence issue? You bet it is! 2. Am I praying that I might feel a little better about myself? Hell yes.

Parental Advisory

Day 47

So this blog entry is going to be very embarrassing. If you are someone that is related to me, or related to my boyfriend, I suggest you not read this entry because...well, lets just say, you're not going to want to know.

Anyways, here's what happened. I was sitting in bed with my boyfriend talking with only my underwear on. (Bra and panties)I looked down at myself and started pointing out all my body flaws. I pointed out how I have small fat rolls underneath my breasts when I sit down. I pointed out the fact that I have a six pack of fat. Before I knew it, I started bawling. Tears fell down, and no matter how hard I tried to stop them, I couldn't.

My boyfriend kept telling me how I was crazy, and that I look good but I couldn't believe him. Later on I told a friend of mine what happened, and she told me that it is all in my head and that I'm tiny. No matter how hard I want to believe them, I can't. When I look into the mirror I see nothing but fat. Could it be because of all those times that I got called fat by friends/family?

While on this topic...let me share a being called fat story. This story is pretty recent. Even though it makes my mom sound like a horrible person, and even though she and I don't really get a long that great, I want everyone to know before I write this, that she is not a bad mom, nor is she a bad person. So one day we were in the car and we were talking about clothes. I decided to tell her nicely that her outfit wasn't too flattering. Now I didn't know how to write that, but trust me, when I told her that, it was not mean in any way. I just know that if some outfit make me look bad, I would want to know. So that's why I told her when we were alone. So shortly after I told her this, she said, "Well at least I'm not fat like you." Then she reached over to the passenger seat and grabbed my fat.

I was mortified. Of course I broke out in tears. What else could I have done? So, that's a bullying story for the day.

Going out tonight. Really nervous. We are going to a club, and this club is known for having beautiful skinny girls there. After all that happened today with my body image, I am really scared. I hope things go well.

Even though it is a bad picture, I decided to post a picture of me as Janet. She wears just a bra and a slip for most of the movie, so that's me.