I've got a secret!

Day 60

Special thanks to Derrick Tyson for taking this fabulous photo of me!!
So even though I had a minor set back due to my schedule, things have not slowed down. I received a message from CBS news yesterday, and they just wanted to ensure me that they have not forgotten about me and that they are still in talks with the producer about the story and how it will be done. :)

In other news, I believe that something BIG is heading my way. However, I think I'm going to keep you guys on your toes for just a little bit and give myself some time to make sure that this is really coming. Who knows though, maybe if I get 200 views in one day, or at least 50 official followers (which ever comes first) I might just tell you early! :)

I hope you guys don't mind that I am doing this, but I honestly feel like it is for the best.

So, bullying story for the day. In fact, this story takes place...TODAY! I was at work earlier this morning when I mentioned to some co-workers that I was hungry and couldn't wait to get off of work so I could get something to eat. One of my co-workers then responded with, "What are you anorexic or something?" I responded with, "Actually, yes, thanks." He was blown away. There is a lesson in here folks. Please be careful in what you say. Even if you are saying something in a joking way, you might say something offensive and very hurtful. This is not the first time this has happened this week. Earlier, my professor was talking about eating disorders and making fun of people who have them. He said things like, "Who in their right mind would do such a thing?!" Here I am sitting in his class very upset and didn't have the courage to say anything.

In my opinion, having an eating disorder eats you whole. It takes over and you no longer have control of what you are doing. Some days I say to myself that I'm hungry and should eat, but then I realize that it is already 5:00pm and the day is almost over, I'll just eat the next day. So, please watch what you say, you never know a persons story unless, they share it with you.

In other news, I have finally had someone reach out to me after reading my blog. He found me on facebook and we have been talking quite often. Thought I'd give him a quick shout out! :) Anyways, today he had something quite different and drastic happen to him. I won't say what it was because it is not my place, but long story short, I was able to talk to him and tell him how great he handled it. He seemed upset because of how crazy the situation was, and I hope I'm right about this, but I really believe I helped. :)He then said, "Thanks for being here for me." That one sentence, probably made my week. This is what I am here for guys. I am here to help others. I am here to share my story, so people don't feel alone in the world. I have had a couple people tell me now that they love how open and honest I am, and honestly, there is no other way to have this blog. I will answer all questions, and I will be an open book to anyone.

Thanks for reading today's entry!
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<3 Angel

A tough decison

Day 58

Decided to post this pictures so you can all see my hair color. It changes pretty often, but here it is, PLATINUM BLONDE!

So last night my boyfriend and I were hanging out and we got to talking about the Bullied documentary. We then decided that it is probably best for me to turn down the opportunity because with work and school I just don't have the time to sit down myself and film on my own. They were asking me to film on my own and then send it to them because they wanted a more person feel to it. I had all these great ideas about interviewing people such as old teachers and my friend that was the there the day I attempted suicide, but with all the things going on right now, it just doesn't seem doable.

So, at the moment, this is a minor setback, but it is a set back that I believe won't keep me back for a while. :) Gotta stay positive and strong.

Have a great day guys!

Angel

I feel horrible!

Day 57

Not sure what is going on, but I am losing the will to continue. I feel depressed, and just horrible. As I have originally mentioned, my best of best would to achieve fame and to use my fame to end bullying, but I feel like no matter how hard I try, no one listens. How many must die for people to stand up? Not really in the mood for anything at the moment. I'll write again soon.

Polina aka Angel

So tired...must update!

Day 53

Hey guys! Even though I am absolutely exhausted and really want to get some shut eye, I would LOVE to fill you all in on whats been going on. After work today I got a call from MTV and we talked on the phone for almost an hour. We went through all kinds of things that happened to me and their affects that they caused.After this, we talked about the actual documentary. Basically they want this to be as natural as possible. They are choosing people from all over the world to show that bullying occurs all over the world. They asked me to film on my own, my life, explaining my story in any way that I want. Once this is done, I will send it to them, and they will combine it with others and make a whole movie. It's pretty exciting and I'm sure it will be a lot of fun. I am planning on going to my old high school and asking some teachers if I can interview them so they can tell the world about what happened as well. So, hopefully tomorrow the filming begins! I'll write again soon, but for now, I really need to get to bed! So tired!

Journey_to_Fame@yahoo.com
Polina

Ps. I thought I'd insert a picture of my back. It has a tattoo that I am VERY proud of. If you can't read it, it is the serenity prayer. It reads, "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

So much great news!!

Day 52

So many FANTASTIC things have been happening, and it is all because of my readers. So lets begin with Monday night.

As I was driving home from work, I FINALLY got the call from CBS. Even though things aren't very concrete about that yet, things are in the works. They did a small interview type thing over the phone, seemed really interested. They are now talking to the producers of the show, and told me they will call me soon to set up an appointment to film the actual interview!! YAY!!

So here is some possibly even bigger news. I got contacted today by MTV. They are apparently doing a documentary about people that have been bullied and what happened to them because of it. I'm guessing that they saw this entry, and therefore contacted me through twitter because of it.This is kinda big news...but it would of course be bigger if I knew for sure that they will choose me. Only time will tell. I emailed them back, so now I am just waiting for an email back! :)

Wish me luck!!
Here's my contact information.
My email is open to all of you to contact me for any reason.
Please hit the follow button in the top left hand corner.
Journey_to_Fame@yahoo.com
I will help anyone any way that I can. :)
Thanks for reading and please tell your friends, or anyone that might need help!
Twitter: Dance2616 or Journey_to_Fame (I use Dance2616 more)

Here is another story...well it is kinda a story.
So first day of high school, I thought things would be great! It was lunch time and I still hadn't made any friends. I was sitting in the cafeteria (alone in a corner basically) hoping someone would sit next to me. For about 10 minutes I sat there with probably at least 5 chairs around me completely empty. Not a single person sat next to me, nor did they speak to me unless it was to ask if they could take the chair to a different table. This is the day that I started eating in the library. I want people to know, completely avoiding people and pretending that they don't exist because they don't look cool to you, is totally a form a bullying! I honestly can't even count the number of times I have tried putting my two cents into someone's conversation just so I can meet people, and they avoid me until I leave. I don't get it. I promise, I don't smell, I shower, brush my hair and teeth, and in fact am a REALLY nice person. What did I do so wrong to make people dislike me before they met me? So that's my story for today.

A secret I thought I wouldn't share with EVERYONE

Day 49

So I am online at Facebook.com right now talking to a great friend of mine, Gracie. She mentioned to me that she read my last entry and wanted to ensure me that I will always have here there being my friend and I can always count on her. After I thanked her, I asked her to share my blog info with her friends on Facebook. Then, she responded the way I knew she would. Saying, "lol selling yourself out oh polina i love you" Now if you knew Gracie, you knew this response was coming. Gracie is a very outgoing girl. A girl you could always go to for help. She's a bit of a wild child, but that's only because her personality is so great that living a larger way of life is the only way to live. So when she told me this, I began to think about how I have been advertising my blog.

As thoughts rushed through my mind, I realized, even though making it to fame means so much to me, having this blog help someone matters so much more. I really want people to know that they aren't alone. That even if they can't find someone they can talk to in person, at least I am here, will all my contact info, and I will be more than happy to help. If I don't promote my blog, how will they know I'm here? I have been writing for 49 days, and so far not that many people have come up to talk to me that don't already know me. Even though this is the case, I am 100% positive that there are people out there that would come to me, if they did know about me.

Anyways, moving on. If you read the title of this entry, you saw that I am going to be sharing a secret with you today. I originally told myself that I would only tell the people close to me about this, but then I realized, if I want to write this blog...I have to be 100% open. I have to trust the world around me. On November 18, I will be having plastic surgery. Nothing too major, just getting breast implants. Here is the story behind what pushed me over the edge and made me decide I must get this done.

It was either June or July of this year, I can't really remember which one, I think July though. I was at screen on the green at Piedmont park with my friend, her boyfriend, and my boyfriend. We were sitting on a blanket, waiting for the movie to start, just talking and having fun. Next thing I know, Daniel, her boyfriend, said to me, "Hey, I can see your nipple." I was so embarrassed. Truth is, my breasts are so small, and even different sizes, that bras really don't fit right. My bra covered one nipple, just not the other. I knew then that I had to have it fixed. A small part of me was kinda hurt that he brought it up in front of everyone, but the other part of me didn't care too much because he is a close friend. So..that's my secret. Hope you all understand my reasoning behind it. Here are two questions you might be thinking. 1. Is this a self confidence issue? You bet it is! 2. Am I praying that I might feel a little better about myself? Hell yes.

Parental Advisory

Day 47

So this blog entry is going to be very embarrassing. If you are someone that is related to me, or related to my boyfriend, I suggest you not read this entry because...well, lets just say, you're not going to want to know.

Anyways, here's what happened. I was sitting in bed with my boyfriend talking with only my underwear on. (Bra and panties)I looked down at myself and started pointing out all my body flaws. I pointed out how I have small fat rolls underneath my breasts when I sit down. I pointed out the fact that I have a six pack of fat. Before I knew it, I started bawling. Tears fell down, and no matter how hard I tried to stop them, I couldn't.

My boyfriend kept telling me how I was crazy, and that I look good but I couldn't believe him. Later on I told a friend of mine what happened, and she told me that it is all in my head and that I'm tiny. No matter how hard I want to believe them, I can't. When I look into the mirror I see nothing but fat. Could it be because of all those times that I got called fat by friends/family?

While on this topic...let me share a being called fat story. This story is pretty recent. Even though it makes my mom sound like a horrible person, and even though she and I don't really get a long that great, I want everyone to know before I write this, that she is not a bad mom, nor is she a bad person. So one day we were in the car and we were talking about clothes. I decided to tell her nicely that her outfit wasn't too flattering. Now I didn't know how to write that, but trust me, when I told her that, it was not mean in any way. I just know that if some outfit make me look bad, I would want to know. So that's why I told her when we were alone. So shortly after I told her this, she said, "Well at least I'm not fat like you." Then she reached over to the passenger seat and grabbed my fat.

I was mortified. Of course I broke out in tears. What else could I have done? So, that's a bullying story for the day.

Going out tonight. Really nervous. We are going to a club, and this club is known for having beautiful skinny girls there. After all that happened today with my body image, I am really scared. I hope things go well.

Even though it is a bad picture, I decided to post a picture of me as Janet. She wears just a bra and a slip for most of the movie, so that's me.

Small Update Once Again

Day 45

So I promised that I would keep you guys updated about any possible media that may come my way. I did receive a text message from a woman at CBS and she has thanked me for being patient, and she will call me when she gets a free moment. So this is good news, because it means that I will be getting a call from CBS sometime soon. Yay!

So I have spent all day promoting my blog as well. I have been all over twitter on the pages Dance2616 and Journey_to_Fame. If you are willing to follow me, follow both!

I also ordered 250 business cards on Vistaprints.com only 8 bucks. AWESOME!

So, I don't have much more to say today. Still pretty sick from a cold/sinus infection so I'm not really feeling up for writing.

See you all later!
P.s. Please subscribe to my blog!

Body Image

Day 44

Before I start on my topic today, just wanted to fill you guys in on the CBS story. So far I haven't heard anything from them. I am starting to think that I missed my window of opportunity. I feel like I should just give up at this point, but other people are telling me that I should keep calling them until they pick up the phone. Not sure what I will do yet...

So just a few moments ago, I was on my Twitter account sending out information about this blog, which by the way I haven't done in a while so I decided now would be a good time. I was on NoH8 and I looked at some of the photos of the people that they had on their page. Then I began to think... their whole thing is that people should love others for who they are, no matter their sexual preference or appearance, but all the people on their Twitter look like models! Lets show the world what the world really looks like! Men and woman of all shapes and sizes, and not all are even pretty in our eyes! (beauty is in the eye of the beholder.)

I know I don't look like a model, I know I am not as skinny as a model, but I do know that I look unique, and that's the kind of people that NoH8 should have on their page. Show different types of people. Does this make sense to anyone? Please don't get me wrong though..I think NOH8 is doing a great job, and what they are doing is what REALLY needs to be done. So keep up the great work NOH8, but maybe look into some of this?

So here is a bullying story. It wasn't done directly to me, at least this story of it.
While at Ridgeview Institute, I had a VERY hard time admitting the fact that I had an eating disorder. I had a hard time admitting anything really. Anyways, after a while, I finally admitted it. Sadly admitting it, kinda sent my disorder into overdrive and things got a lot worse. Not to mention, I would get really upset and cry a bunch, then since I was crying I didn't want to eat and the staff made me cry more by separating me from the rest of the group because they didn't want someone not eating in a room full of girls with eating disorders.

So here is where it gets bad. About a month or so after I got out, I was hanging out with one of my RVI sisters. It was then that she told me that she over heard a couple of the staff members talking about me. Here is what she said, and I quote. "Healing Polina is like putting a normal arm into a cast."

I am 100% shocked at what they were saying about me. There is quite a bit that is wrong with this situation. 1. If I had heard this in my VERY fragile and suicidal state of mine, I would have very quickly left against medical advice and more than likely done something very horrible to myself. 2. These women that were talking about me, were supposed to be staff members that we could trust and they were supposed to help us. How do you sit in therapy sessions with someone and give them advice about something when you are sitting there not believing a single word they said?

My problem with my whole body image thing started so long ago that only people close to me knew about it because I hid it so well. How else do you explain my sudden 25lb weight loss? I remember my father coming home from work to make sure I ate something for lunch. He made a turkey sandwich. While he was making his own, I slowly fed it to the dog in small pieces one by one so it looked like I was eating it slowly if he ever turned around.

I guess you could say that I quickly learned that I can't trust anyone. How could I? No one ever believes a single thing you say. They all leave you. After all this though, I can't help but not understand...why do I have to feel so alone?

Tiny update on CBS!

Still Day 39

Hey guys!
Just wanted to let you know that I have heard back from CBS and they told me that they are working on their 11 o'clock news at the moment, and they will be in contact tomorrow!! Everything keeps getting better as time passes! :)

CBS NEWS!!!

Day 39

So today is quickly becoming one of the best days of my life. As I mentioned before, I ran into some people that worked for CBS News at my work a couple weeks ago. I had given them my info about this blog but I never heard from them...until today!! Sadly when I got the call I was in class and wasn't able to pick up the phone, but they did leave a voicemail. They once again seemed very interested and left me their contact information. I gave them a call, but no one answered and it went to voicemail. So.. I of course left a message and now the waiting game begins!

I am so excited! Things might finally be moving forward for me with achieving my dream! Could it be possible that dreams really do come true!? I'm starting to believe that they do! I am so excited right now, I can barely handle it! I don't know what to do except for think, "It might really happen!!"

Problem is, I keep telling myself that I really shouldn't get too excited, what if they end up not wanting to do the story on me after all? Man, that would really suck especially because I just really can't help but be excited!

Anyways, I should probably end this entry before I continue on and on about the same exact thing. I'm leaving for Philly tomorrow so I'm not sure if I will be able to write any then...but if I hear from CBS I will make sure to update you all ASAP!!

Wish me luck!

I Keep Forgetting the Bullying Stories..

Day 39

I told you guys a couple entries ago that I would finish my entries with a bullying story from my past. Sad thing is, I kept forgetting to add them. So here is one for today. This is a story I haven't shared with anyone because I felt it make me look even more desperate and pathetic than I am.

When I was younger, I was trying SO hard to fit in. I even joined orchestra just because the popular kids were in it, even though I really wanted to be in band. So, one day before orchestra a couple of the popular kids came up to me and told me that they heard something REALLY exciting! They got my attention right away, even though today, I wish they didn't. So they began to tell me that this guy named Robert who was one of the popular kids had a crush on me. A smile went across my face from ear to ear. After I heard this news, I began to sit next to Robert in class, and try to make conversations, but he never seemed interested. So then one horrible day, I decided to be brave and ask Robert out. Robert started laughing and turned me down.

A few minutes later Robert walked up to the people that told me that he had a crush on me and told them what happened. It was then that I realized it was all a joke to see how I would react and to make fun of me. I was so crushed.

A few months later, the same senario happened with Robert's best friend. They told me that he liked me, but I told them if he really did, he should come up to me and ask me out himself. Later that day, he did. We dated for a little bit, but to this day I have no idea if it was real or just a joke. Even to this day when he and I are in the same room someone will say, "Hey did you know that these two dated?!" and then of course people would flip out and say they didn't believe it and laugh. I've asked a couple times if it was real and he continues to say it was...but I just don't believe him. It happened once before in that same circle of friends. Why wouldn't it happen again?

So that's my second bullying story. Kinda messed up, don't you think?

The Post Dragon*Con Blues

Day 34

Hello everyone!Well, this last weekend was quite an event! Our Friday show went well, my brother Boris and his girlfriend came and sat in the front row. That made me quite happy. To me, my brother is like the most popular guy everywhere he goes..I was back stage peaking through the curtain and I could see him talking to the whole row behind him, sharing the glow sticks he bought. Everyone seemed to really like him. Is it weird to say that I always wished to be like my brother? I invite him places because I know people will be like, "Oh man, your brother is awesome, you should bring him around more often!" Chances are, if I will bringing him along...wouldn't that kinda make me cool too?

On Saturday, our show began a little late...well, a lot late. We went on around 3:00am and didn't finish until 5:10am. I was exhausted. Spencer and I practically ran to our hotel room afterwards to go to sleep. Boy did I sleep well! Only problem...Spencer woke up bright and early starving for food. We of course got up, and went to the Con Suite where they offer free food. While we were there, we ran into someone I met at our table the day before. She was pretty cool, she kinda looked like Drew Barrymore. Anyways, she told me that she came to the show and really enjoyed it. Before I forget to mention this...some guy who was pretty drunk decided to jump onto our stage during the show, and hide on top of our "Dinner table" for one of our scenes. We kinda played it off. In fact, we played it off so well that this girl had no idea that it was some random guy! Yes, that was my random fact for this blog!

Now, Sunday was probably the best day out of them all. Even though the weather changed for the worse and began to rain and was pretty chilly, we got to hang out with some pretty cool people. We hung out with a guy named Nate, we met him once before at a Celldweller concert. Then at night we met up with a now good friend of mine, Amber. We all hung out in our hotel room, just hanging out and having a good time. We all got pretty close, and kinda talked about life and how interesting and yet really messed up it is. It was a lot of fun!

Moving on...I have of course saved the best for last!! I went to a Back to the Future panel, and got to see the real live actor that played Doc Brown!!! It was absolutely amazing! My father had shown me that movie for the first time when I was just a little kid, so I have seen that movie so many times before and it was kinda like, "Wow, this is a guy from the movies. This is a guy that has been through what I am going through. This guy, made a name for himself." I couldn't even tell you how badly I wanted to go up to the mic during Q&A and tell him that I am a struggling actress and wanted advice/help in any way. Of course I didn't. Even though I think this blog is a great idea and I am praying that someone important will read it...I can't help but think that I am stupid for this whole thing. How many of my dreams must break before I quit trying?

To end this kidna all over the place entry..I am really bummed that the weekend is over. I miss all the great people I was able to hang out with, and I really miss being on stage in front of a sold out crowd. Who knows, maybe more applause will come again in my future?

Dragon*Con = 4,000 People

Day 28

Like the photo? It's my Miley Cyrus "Can't Be Tamed" costume from last years Dragon*Con. Sorry about the messy room! Things get pretty hectic around Con!

So for those of you that follow my blog, you know that this weekend is Dragon*Con and I am going to be performing for around 3,000 - 4,000 people. YIKES! Even though I am not nervous at this point, I am certain that I will be at some point. I am so excited! I have spent all day today making arrangements for this event. I bought body paint, food, iron on letting for some kick ass LDOD underwear that I've put together, and a whole bunch of stuff that I am quite certain will make this weekend a great deal of fun. I am getting dropped off at the Westin Hotel tomorrow around 3:00pm and then not doing much until 5:00pm. At five, I am working the Lips Down on Dixie Dragon*Con table. I believe it is located in the Marriott. You guys should come say hello! I'll be there until around 7:00pm.

Then, later around 10:00pm, it is off to the Amazing Plaza Theare where I will be doing the usual Friday show. Then, because my boyfriend is SO excited for Con, it looks like we will be going out around 3:00am (after our show) and hanging out with some people, maybe see if there is still an event going on. (There usually is!)

Saturday is probably going to be nothing shy of crazy. First the most important thing. Sleeping in. Even though Con is so exciting, the most excitement happens at night, therefore, sleeping in is okay. Then, roam around for several hours and hang out with people until 10:00pm. This is when the LDOD cast will be put in our "VIP dressing room" and we will start getting ready for our big show. This is the part that I am REALLY not looking forward to. Most of you don't know this, but I have a HUGE tattoo on my back. (it's the serenity prayer) I learned it while I stayed at Ridgeview. We said it everyday, and at all the meetings, so it means quite a bit to me. Therefore, it is my tattooed on me. :) I've actually had a couple people walk up to me and say, "You know, I've been having a really bad day today and then I looked up and saw your tattoo. Now I feel so much better!" It turns out they were in some sort of recovery as well. ANYWAYS, my point is that I have to get that whole tattoo covered up. I spent almost two hours with a wonderful lady at Macy's Perimeter Mall trying to get my other very small tattoo covered up perfectly, but sadly it takes a lot of time and nothing matches my skin right. Regardless of how kinda off it looks, I spent about $73 on all the tattoo cover up, and am dreading putting it on.

At 1:30am our big show begins! I hope to see you all there! Get there early...very early. Usually people begin to line up 2 hours in advance. The line usually goes out the hotel and wraps around twice...or something like that. At the end of the show, the lights will come on and everyone will be allowed to leave. Hopefully some of you that are reading this will actually be coming and will be able to take some time out of your night to stop by the stage and say hello before you leave. Trust me, I will be waiting with my fingers crossed! So that's what's happening on Saturday.

Sunday is a pretty chill day. We are going to party hard and have a lot of fun. I will be working again at the LDOD table somewhere between 4-7...I'm not certain of the exact time. If you go up to the table, you can always ask the person working when I come on. Later that night there is some sort of Dragon*Con rave which I plan on attending. Hopefully it is a lot of fun. I love dubstep music and would love to get my dance on.
So that is this weekend in a nut shell. Hopefully I can get some pictures up, emphasis on the hopefully. See you all soon!!

<3 Always,
Polina aka Angel