So just a few moments ago, I was on my Twitter account sending out information about this blog, which by the way I haven't done in a while so I decided now would be a good time. I was on NoH8 and I looked at some of the photos of the people that they had on their page. Then I began to think... their whole thing is that people should love others for who they are, no matter their sexual preference or appearance, but all the people on their Twitter look like models! Lets show the world what the world really looks like! Men and woman of all shapes and sizes, and not all are even pretty in our eyes! (beauty is in the eye of the beholder.)
I know I don't look like a model, I know I am not as skinny as a model, but I do know that I look unique, and that's the kind of people that NoH8 should have on their page. Show different types of people. Does this make sense to anyone? Please don't get me wrong though..I think NOH8 is doing a great job, and what they are doing is what REALLY needs to be done. So keep up the great work NOH8, but maybe look into some of this?
So here is a bullying story. It wasn't done directly to me, at least this story of it.
While at Ridgeview Institute, I had a VERY hard time admitting the fact that I had an eating disorder. I had a hard time admitting anything really. Anyways, after a while, I finally admitted it. Sadly admitting it, kinda sent my disorder into overdrive and things got a lot worse. Not to mention, I would get really upset and cry a bunch, then since I was crying I didn't want to eat and the staff made me cry more by separating me from the rest of the group because they didn't want someone not eating in a room full of girls with eating disorders.
So here is where it gets bad. About a month or so after I got out, I was hanging out with one of my RVI sisters. It was then that she told me that she over heard a couple of the staff members talking about me. Here is what she said, and I quote. "Healing Polina is like putting a normal arm into a cast."
I am 100% shocked at what they were saying about me. There is quite a bit that is wrong with this situation. 1. If I had heard this in my VERY fragile and suicidal state of mine, I would have very quickly left against medical advice and more than likely done something very horrible to myself. 2. These women that were talking about me, were supposed to be staff members that we could trust and they were supposed to help us. How do you sit in therapy sessions with someone and give them advice about something when you are sitting there not believing a single word they said?
My problem with my whole body image thing started so long ago that only people close to me knew about it because I hid it so well. How else do you explain my sudden 25lb weight loss? I remember my father coming home from work to make sure I ate something for lunch. He made a turkey sandwich. While he was making his own, I slowly fed it to the dog in small pieces one by one so it looked like I was eating it slowly if he ever turned around.
I guess you could say that I quickly learned that I can't trust anyone. How could I? No one ever believes a single thing you say. They all leave you. After all this though, I can't help but not understand...why do I have to feel so alone?
3 comments:
Was the eating disorder you? You are a slim sister. (point of reference: i am a southern black man -so my ideal of body image is on the thicker spectrum)
As for the staff, individuals working in care of others often have not been helped to work with their own short comings. That which was overheard was so specific. I wonder if the person who told you heard the right thing especially relating to you. Hang onto what worked fom the facility versus the weakness of some individuals there.
Yes the eating disorder was me. I've lost about 25 pounds from it. As far as what the staff says, I dont doubt it even in the slightest. I felt bullied by them the whole time I was there. In fact, there was only One staff member there that I trusted.
Not to mention, this whole thing about the staff members not believing that I had a problem didn't end there. The patients didn't either. They didn't understand why I came into ridgeview with depression and left as a eating disorder/ eating disorder patient. Isn't denial a well known thing?
Denial is well known for a lot. The facility sounds less professional than it should but I am grateful you received some significant support from the place at a needed time in your life, in spite of other distractions/pettiness of others-right?
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